I'm sad.
I hate it when you tell me we are going to hang out and then bail. I hate it when i can't hold your hand when I want to. I hate not knowing what the hell is going on with us. I hate feeling inadequate and small and below "the standards."
I hate it when friends ditch me, but at the same time tell me we can hangout on certain days and then we don't or they text the whole time. I love you and am happy for you, but damn. It makes a person feel replaceable and irrelevant. 
nobody listens to me. literally. often times I tell the same story more than twice because people think they haven't heard it, when for a fact I know that they have.
I just want to be important to you. I just want you to miss me when I'm not there like I do you. My head hurts. Perhaps the shot of whiskey I had last night? Or the fact that I have been fighting this fight for a long time. and. I . am. tired.
I do not want to go to work this week.
I just want to be a painter. That's all I really want.

i hate it when people question my motives or  beliefs, when i can tell that they are just thinking of what to say next and are not actually interested in my point of view. my favorite person to talk these things over with is my big sister. she listens to my side, gives hers, then we say something witty or sassy and then we move on to something else. i do love a healthy debate. i hate feeling like the black sheep sometimes though.
this disgusting crush is starting to feel like dead-weight on me. it's like there are bricks tied to my feet and i am sinking, and the other party involved could careless. i do not know how to figure this out. i am tired of working so hard at this. freakin 10 years. is it a friendship? relationship? leechship? what's the deal?
the christmas shoppers are going to kill me soon, i just know it.